Say What You Need To Say
by nicmar
Summary: Reflection on 5x25 "Pay Up". *Spoiler*


**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I don't own the song CBS and John Mayer do but I do like borrowing them.**

**a/n: I know I skipped over a couple of important scenes, I'm still kind of processing those. Anyway writing this was kind of my way of processing the finale. **

_Take all of your wasted honor_

_Every little past frustration_

_Take all of your so-called problems,_

_Better put 'em in quotations_

Pacing the small waiting room, he waited, waited for the words he longed to hear and yet deep down knew weren't coming. He couldn't bare it, he was breaking down, his body could no longer hide the pain coursing through him, the images of her lying lifelessly on the diner floor, fading out of consciousness in the back seat of the squad car, surrounded by hospital staff wouldn't leave his mind. And then her surgeon was in front of him, and before she spoke a word he knew. He knew and his entire being ached grief.

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say_

As he sat in the waiting room he took no notice of the cold plastic hospital chair, the cool material nothing compared to the cold and emptiness emitting from his own body. He wanted to pretend it wasn't real that it didn't really happen, he wanted to go back to the previous night rush to her apartment and never let her out of his sight. But he couldn't, he was helpless.

A voice called out his name, and for the first moment since he saw her on the diner floor a pool of blood surrounding her his mind was not overridden with images of her, instead seeing Danny just a few meters away from him and knowing that the look on his face was giving it all away. As Danny came closer he tried to regain his composure but as the words slipped out of his mouth as he muttered the words "She's Gone" to his friend all of his composure was lost.

_Walking like a one man army_

_Fighting with the shadows in your head_

_Living out the same old moment_

_Knowing you'd be better off instead,_

_If you could only . . ._

Staring down at her pale body, laid across a cold metal table he played with the extracted bullet between his fingers, unable to comprehend that she was gone, that that bullet had cost her her life, that he would never hear her voice again, never see her smile, never be able to wrap his arms around her at the end of a long day, that he would never be able to tell her how much he cared for her and hating himself for never realizing the true extent of his feelings for her. He loved her, and now she would never know. She knew he cared about her, she knew she wasn't some fling, but still the word love had never come to play. And now, now it was too late. He loved her, and she was gone.

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

As he stared down at her lifeless body, he didn't even notice anybody enter the room not until he once again heard his name, once again he heard the sorrow in the voice speaking to him. He knew the words were kind and offering any form of solace they could, but in truth he didn't hear the words he could only think about what the presence of this person meant. Once again trying to maintain some level of composure he thanked Sid for his words and told him of Jess's fondness for him. But as he did the reality only became more and more real and the idea became too much to bare. Even with Sid's reassurance the idea of Jess's body being autopsied pushed him over the edge. He needed to get out.

_Have no fear for giving in_

_Have no fear for giving over_

_You'd better know that in the end_

_Its better to say too much_

_Then never say what you need to say again_

As his car pulled up to the site of the hummer, as the vehicle came into view he body shook with grief. Seeing Mac and Danny looking towards him he walked straight over to them pleading with his eyes as he spoke "I need to be here". He wasn't sure what he would do if Mac said no he only hoped that Mac would realize how much he needed this, needed to be a part of finding the person responsible. And Mac did. As he watched both Mac and Danny examine the car the mention of Jess's name made him cringe, he couldn't be happy that Jess had managed to tag one of the perps, not when she'd lost her life doing it.

_Even if your hands are shaking_

_And your faith is broken_

_Even as the eyes are closing_

_Do it with a heart wide open_

As he ran his fingers over the badge numbers for the last time he watched the man in front of him, as he passed it to the other man and watched him brush his fingers over the badge in the same way he knew he wasn't alone in his grief. Seeing the anger in Jess's father, the anger that his daughter was dead, the anger that she had died protecting someone who deserved to be locked up it was like looking in a mirror, seeing himself, his own anger. He wished he could make it all go away, but he couldn't.

Hearing her father talk about the change in Jess over the last few months, the time that they had been seeing each other broke him. But he couldn't allow himself to acknowledge what her father was trying to say, he couldn't acknowledge her father trying to explain just how much he had meant to her, it only made his regret of not telling her he loved her even stronger, instead he could only promise to himself as much as her father that he wouldn't stop until they caught the person responsible for Jess's death.

As he hugged her father, for a small second he was again connected to Jess.

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

Sipping at his beer as his colleagues gathered around in remembrance of their fallen friend he couldn't bring himself to speak, simply hearing the others share stories of Jess broke him. As Stella prepared a toast to Jess, he turned to the small group of people around him and in that moment as they sat around and remembered the brave and incredible woman who had lost her life in the line of duty he realized that it was this group of people that would get him through. It wouldn't be easy and it wouldn't be quick but he wasn't alone. And in that moment as he brought his glass to his lips he whispered the words against his glass "I love you Jess"

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say_

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _

_Say what you need to say _


End file.
